Hello Beautiful People!
For the first time in a while, I had a really good day. I was able to get up this morning and go to work (which I was not able to do yesterday) and then I got to go to a small “party” (really more of a get together) with a few friends. It was a very last-minute thing too, and I am so happy that I got to go. There was a group of 6 of us at my friend’s house and we watched old Disney Channel musicals together and had a sing along. It was really fun and it felt really good to be out and with friends. Disney (the puppy) got to come too and hang out with my friend’s Labradoodle. Disney is a mini Goldendoodle so we had a doodle play date and it was super cute! Tonight was a lot of fun and I never once felt awkward or uncomfortable which is usually what I feel whenever I go out. I really liked everyone that I was with and it was a really fun time. I feel like I’m rambling but I had so much fun and I am in such a great mood and that just never happens. Of course now Disney and I are both extremely exhausted, but in the best way possible. It was 100% worth it and I’ll probably sleep very well for once. Goodnight beautiful people!
TRIGGER WARNING/CONTENT WARNING: PTSD, ABUSE
So I went to my new trauma therapist today (yesterday? it’s 12 PM) and I actually really liked her. She was very young and really nice and something just clicked. The last trauma therapist I had refused to talk about the things that I went through that gave me PTSD. I think she was just uncomfortable with the subject matter. She was a very nice lady, don’t get me wrong, just not the best therapist for me. It is hard enough for me to talk about the things that I went through in my last relationship (all 3 types of abuse I’ll let you figure it out from there) that to have someone who would steer me away from the topics whenever I did feel comfortable just was not the right thing for me. I walked in today to this new lady and she was so welcoming and i just felt so comfortable with her that I immediately opened up about everything I went through and just tried to give her like a quick summary of it and she was really receptive and actually seemed to care a lot about what I went through. Of course today was only the first meeting, but I’m really hopeful. She also knew a lot about PNES and how to treat that which was amazing. Most psychologists and even psychiatrists in my area have never heard of it so it was really refreshing to have someone who knew A LOT about it and has even treated someone with it before. This is all very exciting to me so I apologize if I’m rambling.
The session went really well and because it was the first day it was basically her getting my background and asking me all the questions I’ve been asked a million times before and usually hate answering, but the thing is, I didn’t mind answering them this time. I feel like she actually is trying to help and cares about my well-being and I’ve never felt this secure about a therapist. We also talked about the people who are important to me and what roles they have in my life and she made sure to write down every name so she could make sure she will always be able to follow along with who I am talking about, which I thought was cool of her. At the end of the session I felt relieved, happy and just genuinely happy and excited to start working with her and start getting better. I think she can actually help me and that is the best feeling in the world. Things are finally looking up my beautiful people!
Hello Beautiful People!
I woke up and mentally, I am feeling a lot better than I was last night. A lot of those really scary negative thoughts have gone away. However, physically I am not doing well at well. I can barely move. I am in an immense amount of pain and it hurts to even shift my body in bed. I feel really weak.The itches have also come back full force and I’m covered in hives. My Gastroparesis is acting up and I feel like I am going to vomit everywhere. I can’t even look at food right now. Everything that could possibly be wrong with my body, is going wrong. The itches also cause horrible nerve pain and if I try to scratch my skin feels like a thousand needles are being forced into it. If I don’t scratch, my body feels as if it were on fire. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. All of my muscles are incredibly weak today and horribly sore. Every single muscle feels like I worked out for like 12 hours and focused specifically on that muscle. I don’t work out so no, that is not the case. Everything hurts and the rain is definitely not helping. I’m supposed to go to a new therapist tonight and I was hoping to have a decent day before I went. I guess I’m going to have to go in pain. This sucks. I wish advil or something would help, but I know it won’t. I am just going to have to deal with this. It is just one of those days.
I am feeling so incredibly down. I am finding and focusing on every single flaw in myself that I can find. Negative things that people have said about me throughout the course of my life are playing, and replaying, constantly repeating in my head. I feel sad. I feel slightly broken. I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and saw some chub that I was a little upset about. In my head I do know that it isn’t a big deal but once I spotted that flaw I have not been able to stop finding new ones. This is absolutely a result of having anxiety and panic disorders. I usually do not struggle with body issues whatsoever but today I just really did not like what I saw. It’s been an incredibly rough night. All I want to do is hide and cry. This has not happened in the longest time and because of that, I forgot how hard nights like tonight are. I’m so upset and just want to be able to fall asleep and escape these thoughts for a little bit but of course, I can’t sleep. I’m trying everything I can. I’m talking to my boyfriend as well to try to calm down. I’ve kind of just sent myself into a spin, but I can’t help it. I am having A LOT of feelings right now. Very negative feelings that I can’t escape from. Such ugly thoughts are running through my mind. I feel pretty defeated by these thoughts. All I can think about are the bad things about me. I can only see the ugly right now. Tonight is awful, I need to escape these thoughts. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep soon. Maybe I can learn to not focus on the negative.
Today I’m having one of my stranger symptoms.Sometimes when I get really nervous or anxious, I get this horrible itching sensation. This sensation happens all over my body and will not stop, it also comes with some really ugly hives. Not only is it itchy, it is also very painful. It’s kind of like all of my nerve endings are deciding to act up at once. The only thing that has ever worked to stop this horrible feeling is taking a bath with essential oils to help calm my skin. Guess who ran out of bath supplies? Yup, you guessed it, me. So, it seems like I am going to have to suffer through this pain/itch all day and will not be able to stop it. On top of this horrible symptom I am also extremely nervous today, I also feel jittery and just completely on edge. Today is the worst kind of day, a day where I feel like absolute shit but can’t do anything about it. I hate today.
I feel like I am constantly stressed out and half of the time I’m not even sure exactly why. Is being chronically stressed a thing? I feel like I can’t ever do anything right, something is always wrong with me. I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m moody. It’s the most annoying thing in the world. Lately I’ve been feeling more affected by it than usual. I feel like everything and everyone that I love is slipping away from me, and that doesn’t even make sense. It isn’t like I’ve lost anyone or that I am fighting with anyone, I just feel like my moods and my constant issues are pushing everyone away. This makes me incredibly sad. This also just my perspective, my moods really could be having no effect on my loved ones or I may not be as moody as I think I am. All of this could literally be happening in my mind and that is so frustrating. I never know if my mind is running away from me and creating scenarios or if it’s actually happening. That’s probably the worst part of it. I’m just having so many feelings that I can’t really identify or figure out. I’m not even sure where they’re coming from or why. Maybe it’s because I’ve had an extremely stressful past few weeks? I guess we’ll wait and see.
So my show is over and everybody is at the cast party tonight. I however, am stuck at home. I feel like absolute crap and I am also having a million panic attacks. I never get worried when my boyfriend goes to parties without me, but today I just have this gut feeling that something is gonna go wrong. I trust him and everything, so that’s not the issue here. I’m not even exactly sure what my issue is, but that’s anxiety for ya. Irrational situations and fears just constantly gnawing at you and playing in your mind. So even though I am not at the party (which would have cause panic attacks because I don’t enjoy drunk people or parties very much) I am still horribly panicky. I feel sick to my stomach and just cannot relax. I wish my brain could just let me relax and go to sleep or something instead of making me think that all of these horrible things are going to happen. Dear anxiety, you suck.