anxiety · anxiety disorder · Bad day · coping methods · emotional abuse · Flashbacks · hope · mental illness · physical abuse · PTSD · TRIGGER WARNINGS

Rough Weekend

Hi Beautiful People!

CONTENT WARNING: EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE

This weekend was a little hard on me and I really do not know why. I spent most of the weekend feeling very unloved and like I was a burden to everyone I care about. I get these feelings a lot but it was just a lot this weekend. I did spend some time with my boyfriend and our friends but still I kept finding myself feeling as if something was wrong. That I was doing something wrong. In my last relationship I was told that I was worthless, that I was ugly and that I was damaged. I was told that no one would ever love me again and . if someone did decide to love me, they would soon learn not to. These words were constantly being repeated and yelled at me. It became something that I heard so often that I believed it. I still find it very hard to break from believing it. I’m constantly afraid that my boyfriend and even my friends will leave me simply because I’m not good enough. I am worthless. These thoughts become crippling and in turn I accidentally push people away. I get so in my head that I feel like everything I do or say is wrong and then constantly apologize for even the smallest of things, which can really annoy people, but when you’re so used to having to apologize for everything you do it becomes a habit. I lived two years of my life feeling like absolute shit constantly. Feeling worthless and not good enough. Being physically and emotionally abused by an awful person. This person drilled some things into my head that even 2 years later, I have a very hard time getting over. I still think I’m not good enough for anybody. I am constantly worried that my boyfriend will get bored with me or stop loving me. I am always worried that my friends are going to walk away from me because “I’m boring and ugly and don’t deserve anyone else’s affection”. These thoughts still hurt. They still seriously affect me. I can still hear his voice telling me everything that was wrong with me.

My boyfriend, who is very aware of this tried to get me out of my house and had me come over the past two days, it helped a little. I still felt that I wasn’t good enough for him and his friends. I felt that maybe he was getting bored with me when he wasn’t talking to me a lot. There was one point where he jokingly called me annoying because I was playing with his beard and I almost burst into tears. In my mind, I thought that he truly meant it and he would leave. These are the effects of a shitty abusive relationship. It’s a very hard thing to get past and I’m trying. I am in therapy and my boyfriend and family try to help as much as they can. It’s still really hard. It’s a very difficult thing to go through. Sometimes I don’t think I’m ever going to get past this but then someone (usually my boyfriend) will look me in the eye and tell me that I am good enough and I am worth it and that he loves me. That’s all I need. I need reassurance, just for now, that the things my abusive ex boyfriend drilled into my head are not true. Unfortunately this need for reassurance is constant BUT, I know I will get there. I know I will get better. I have a great support system and like I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, my new therapist is awesome. I can do this and if you are going through something similar: you can do this. We can do this together.

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PTSD · TRIGGER WARNINGS

A Lot of Feelings

Hi Beautiful People!

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD, Emotional/Physical Abuse (mentioned briefly not gone into detail)

Today I’ve been having a lot of feelings. I saw my best friend for the first time in a really long time. I believe I have written a little bit on my last relationship before but I’ll recap: the relationship I was in before my boyfriend now, was extremely abusive in all ways possible, because of this relationship I cut off a lot of ties with my closest friend, my best friend was one of them. During the time that I was in that horrible relationship and a little bit afterwards I was ashamed and embarrassed about what I was going through,  any person that was close to me I kind of just pushed away. This guy (we’ll call him Bestie) had been my absolute best friend since the 7th grade so about 6 years, I know it hurt him that I pushed him away. We’ve been through a hell of a lot together. He used to be the person I went to for anything and everything and I was that for him. He was my rock for a very long time but I didn’t want him to know what I was going through. He has issues of his own and really struggles sometimes to the point where I’ve talked him out of suicide. I didn’t want this to be another burden on him. I couldn’t do it to him and I thought I was doing the right thing and I pushed him away.

We reconnected in March, a year and a half later, and I told him that the reason I pushed him away and just stopped talking to him was because I went through a lot. I apologized profusely and he forgave me and we reconciled but this hurt him, I could tell. I knew that he’d be hurt but I had to tell him the truth. I know he would’ve been there for me come hell or high water if I had only opened up to him about what was happening and what I was feeling, but I just didn’t think that was the right thing to do at the time. Do I regret this? Absolutely. I missed having him in my life. I told him that when he got home from school (he goes away to college) we’d have a talk about everything but it had to be in person. I don’t think I can have this conversation with anyone over the phone, it’s too serious. I know I’m going to have to tell him about the times I was hit. I know I’m going to have to tell him the awful things I was told, and the darkest parts of the relationship the pushed him away and to be honest, I’m a little scared. He’s home now and I ran into him today while getting ice cream with my brother. I wasn’t aware that he was home yet so it took me by surprise. We’ve been texting all day catching up as much as possible before having that really big conversation. I’m just kind of scared of how he will react. It’s not going to be fun but I know he will always be there for me and nothing I can say will ever change his opinion of me. I just have a lot of feelings right now.

I feel happy to have him back in my life. I feel scared to have this conversation. I feel sad because I’m thinking of the things I have to tell him about. I feel sad because I pushed away this wonderful person. Lastly, I feel hope that we can get our friendship back and everything will be okay but I’m still uncertain.

chronic illness · coping methods · mental illness · PTSD · therapy · TRIGGER WARNINGS

Things Are Looking Up

TRIGGER WARNING/CONTENT WARNING: PTSD, ABUSE

So I went to my new trauma therapist today (yesterday? it’s 12 PM) and I actually really liked her. She was very young and really nice and something just clicked. The last trauma therapist I had refused to talk about the things that I went through that gave me PTSD. I think she was just uncomfortable with the subject matter. She was a very nice lady, don’t get me wrong, just not the best therapist for me. It is hard enough for me to talk about the things that I went through in my last relationship (all 3 types of abuse I’ll let you figure it out from there) that to have someone who would steer me away from the topics whenever I did feel comfortable just was not the right thing for me. I walked in today to this new lady and she was so welcoming and i just felt so comfortable with her that I immediately opened up about everything I went through and just tried to give her like a quick summary of it and she was really receptive and actually seemed to care a lot about what I went through. Of course today was only the first meeting, but I’m really hopeful. She also knew a lot about PNES and how to treat that which was amazing. Most psychologists and even psychiatrists in my area have never heard of it so it was really refreshing to have someone who knew A LOT about it and has even treated someone with it before. This is all very exciting to me so I apologize if I’m rambling.

The session went really well and because it was the first day it was basically her getting my background and asking me all the questions I’ve been asked a million times before and usually hate answering, but the thing is, I didn’t mind answering them this time. I feel like she actually is trying to help and cares about my well-being and I’ve never felt this secure about a therapist. We also talked about the people who are important to me and what roles they have in my life and she made sure to write down every name so she could make sure she will always be able to follow along with who I am talking about, which I thought was cool of her. At the end of the session I felt relieved, happy and just genuinely happy and excited to start working with her and start getting better. I think she can actually help me and that is the best feeling in the world. Things are finally looking up my beautiful people!

Flashbacks · PTSD · TRIGGER WARNINGS

Flashback Time (PTSD POST)

Hi beautiful people, before you read this post I just want you to know that some content could possibly be triggering for some people. 

This is the first time I am writing about my PTSD. This is going to be a long post. So..um I was in a really abusive relationship from 2013-2015 (2 years) and because of the abuse I went through, I have flashbacks. I actually just had one less than five minutes ago. I’m struggling really hard to cope with them, and this one was extremely realistic. I’m not even sure what brought it on. I just got home from rehearsal, which I’m actually so happy I got to, and then the flashback started. I don’t know if any of you have PTSD or anything related or similar, but it was one of those flashbacks where you’re kind of watching it happen all over again and can’t do anything about it. It just replays over and over again in your head.  I’m hoping maybe writing about it will help. (TW: VIOLENCE and ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS) 

So this flashback consists of my door being thrown open and then there’s just a lot of screaming, a lot of this person blaming me for everything wrong in their life. I’m on the floor in a corner, and he;s screaming at me and he grabs me, really tightly around my arm and then goes to hit me and I kind of “woke up” (I’m not sure if that’s the right word for it but I truly don’t know what to call it) right before the actual hit.

I don’t know how to make it stop. PTSD is a pretty new diagnosis for me and I’m still struggling with coping methods. Right now I’m in my room, trying to hold it together, trying not to cry and praying that this flashback doesn’t return. I know that I am out of the situation now, and that it was years ago and that my current boyfriend is absolutely amazing and would NEVER in a million years hurt me like that. It’s just that these flashbacks bring up even more bad memories and now I am sitting here just really deep into thought and trying not to let myself remember. I am trying to cope and I’m not sure how. I didn’t have the best day in the first place, and now..this is just the absolute worst.