Hello beautiful people!
Sorry for the disappearance. If you’ve read my last few posts you know I have not been doing well at all and I kind of took a break from just about everything. I really just was not up to anything, including writing. I’m starting to feel a little bit better on a daily basis where I can now get out of my house for a few hours each day and hopefully start to function like I was before the flare up.
Today I had a really good day. My mom took me to see Waitress on Broadway which I’ve been wanting to see FOREVER. We did a lot of walking around and exploring the city and going shopping and just having fun. It was just overall a great day. I had so much fun and loved having some bonding time with my mom. I think that while I was out and about and having so much fun I just kind of…overdid it. This happens a lot when I have good days because I want to do so much when I feel well enough to do anything. I am currently suffering the consequences. All of the walking around and not really resting or taking breaks really took a toll on my body. I am now throwing up and dizzy and in so much pain. I feel miserable but I had an amazing day and to me that’s almost worth it. I wouldn’t trade the day I had for the world it is just unfortunate that these are the consequences I have to face because of my illnesses. It isn’t fair, other people get to do these things all the time and not feel any consequence whatsoever, but life isn’t fair. I was dealt the short end of the stick. I’ll be okay, I’m just frustrated. At least tonight I get to rest and don’t have anything to do tomorrow.
Friday I start a new job and I am extremely nervous. I am scared that my new boss/coworkers will not be accepting of my illnesses and won’t let me take time off if I need it. I’m hoping that this job works out better than my last. I really could use the money and I feel like if I have a job, I’ll start to feel more like a “normal” person. Who knows. It’s also late at night so I’m getting caught up in my thoughts. I should probably go to bed.
Goodnight beautiful people.
Hello Beautiful People!
So it looks like I’m not really getting better. My Gastroparesis has flared up the worst it has been in almost 5 years. I can’t have anything besides Gatorade, saltines, a small handful of Cheerios, half a banana and chicken broth. I’ve lost 18.6 pounds in 14 days. My doctors are very concerned about this flare up and so am I. I’m heading into a state of depression. I can’t eat, I can barely move around, I have trouble sleeping. Right now, to put it frankly, life sucks. I got up today to have a training session with my dog and my dog trainer, I was outside, not really doing much but instructing my dog, for about an hour and we decided to go on a 10 minute walk because my service pup in training can sometimes get nervous around cars and gardeners (obviously something we’re working on). I should not have gone on this walk. I over exerted myself.
Since that really short walk I have felt possibly the worst I have felt in about a week. I’ve been completely lethargic since then, to the point where my mom is literally going up and down the stairs to bring me things because even she knows I physically just can’t do it.
**NOTE: my mom is wonderful but she also has issues with her lungs so going up and down the stairs is not easy for her and she won’t go up and down the stairs a bunch of times willingly unless something is really wrong with me**
I feel like everything has been drained out of me. My strength, any sort of hydration I had, and my spirit at this point is kinda broken. I just hate being stuck inside all of the time. I hate feeling this way. I still have to keep a barf bucket next to my bed because I’m throwing up nightly and still sometimes during the day, even without eating anything. My doctors have decided to put me back on Ensure so that I get some type of nutrients into me. This is literally the diet that I was on in 9th grade when this whole thing started. It’s so frustrating that things got better for such a long time…and now I’m just going in reverse. I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I’m depressed and oh man am i hungry. This really sucks.
I’m hoping that within the next two/three weeks I’ll keep regaining strength and I’ve now learned that I absolutely cannot push myself, I don’t think I’m going to recover from today’s mishap until MAYBE late tomorrow night. BUT even though I am stuck in my bed and am feeling rather miserable I am trying to keep myself busy as best as I can by watching movies and coloring and even just playing games on my computer so I can try to focus on the positives that WILL come my way.
Gastroparesis may have knocked me down but that doesn’t mean I won’t get back up.
Hi Beautiful People!
Today my Gastroparesis has absolutely gotten the better of me. I feel horribly sick and (SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC SORRY) have not been able to get off the toilet for a few hours now. Gastroparesis is “the literal paralysis of the stomach, characterized by WebMD.com as a condition that inhibits the stomach from emptying properly. Gastroparesis affects stomach contractions, which move food from the stomach into the large intestine where digested food is emptied. If stomach contractions don’t work to empty the stomach properly, gastro-discomfort can occur (i.e., nausea, bloating, vomiting)”. To put that in simpler terms, my stomach does not contract the way it is supposed to and my stomach doesn’t empty properly. Sometimes it does not empty at all and I end up vomiting or other times having diarrhea, sometimes both. I constantly feel stomach pain and nausea. I take Zofran and Hyoscyamine for those symptoms and they do help but lately haven’t been as effective. So today my stomach is just having a major battle with me and will not hold down anything. I’m at about a level 9 of 10 on the pain scale and the nausea is extreme. I know from the constant vomiting and bowel movements that I am getting dehydrated and water, believe it or not, actually makes my symptoms worse. I know that that’s really weird but that’s how my body is. When I don’t feel well it rejects water, it literally comes right back up. The only thing that I can tolerate is Pedialyte or Gatorade. I actually did not have either of those when I started writing this post but my wonderful friend just brought me some from work because she is awesome. Hopefully I will be able to keep this down and be okay by morning. I’m trying to keep myself distracted from the pain by watching YouTube videos and texting friends. I guess we’ll see how I’m doing in the morning.
Hello Beautiful People!
I woke up and mentally, I am feeling a lot better than I was last night. A lot of those really scary negative thoughts have gone away. However, physically I am not doing well at well. I can barely move. I am in an immense amount of pain and it hurts to even shift my body in bed. I feel really weak.The itches have also come back full force and I’m covered in hives. My Gastroparesis is acting up and I feel like I am going to vomit everywhere. I can’t even look at food right now. Everything that could possibly be wrong with my body, is going wrong. The itches also cause horrible nerve pain and if I try to scratch my skin feels like a thousand needles are being forced into it. If I don’t scratch, my body feels as if it were on fire. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. All of my muscles are incredibly weak today and horribly sore. Every single muscle feels like I worked out for like 12 hours and focused specifically on that muscle. I don’t work out so no, that is not the case. Everything hurts and the rain is definitely not helping. I’m supposed to go to a new therapist tonight and I was hoping to have a decent day before I went. I guess I’m going to have to go in pain. This sucks. I wish advil or something would help, but I know it won’t. I am just going to have to deal with this. It is just one of those days.
I am feeling so incredibly down. I am finding and focusing on every single flaw in myself that I can find. Negative things that people have said about me throughout the course of my life are playing, and replaying, constantly repeating in my head. I feel sad. I feel slightly broken. I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and saw some chub that I was a little upset about. In my head I do know that it isn’t a big deal but once I spotted that flaw I have not been able to stop finding new ones. This is absolutely a result of having anxiety and panic disorders. I usually do not struggle with body issues whatsoever but today I just really did not like what I saw. It’s been an incredibly rough night. All I want to do is hide and cry. This has not happened in the longest time and because of that, I forgot how hard nights like tonight are. I’m so upset and just want to be able to fall asleep and escape these thoughts for a little bit but of course, I can’t sleep. I’m trying everything I can. I’m talking to my boyfriend as well to try to calm down. I’ve kind of just sent myself into a spin, but I can’t help it. I am having A LOT of feelings right now. Very negative feelings that I can’t escape from. Such ugly thoughts are running through my mind. I feel pretty defeated by these thoughts. All I can think about are the bad things about me. I can only see the ugly right now. Tonight is awful, I need to escape these thoughts. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep soon. Maybe I can learn to not focus on the negative.