Hello beautiful people!
Sorry for the disappearance. If you’ve read my last few posts you know I have not been doing well at all and I kind of took a break from just about everything. I really just was not up to anything, including writing. I’m starting to feel a little bit better on a daily basis where I can now get out of my house for a few hours each day and hopefully start to function like I was before the flare up.
Today I had a really good day. My mom took me to see Waitress on Broadway which I’ve been wanting to see FOREVER. We did a lot of walking around and exploring the city and going shopping and just having fun. It was just overall a great day. I had so much fun and loved having some bonding time with my mom. I think that while I was out and about and having so much fun I just kind of…overdid it. This happens a lot when I have good days because I want to do so much when I feel well enough to do anything. I am currently suffering the consequences. All of the walking around and not really resting or taking breaks really took a toll on my body. I am now throwing up and dizzy and in so much pain. I feel miserable but I had an amazing day and to me that’s almost worth it. I wouldn’t trade the day I had for the world it is just unfortunate that these are the consequences I have to face because of my illnesses. It isn’t fair, other people get to do these things all the time and not feel any consequence whatsoever, but life isn’t fair. I was dealt the short end of the stick. I’ll be okay, I’m just frustrated. At least tonight I get to rest and don’t have anything to do tomorrow.
Friday I start a new job and I am extremely nervous. I am scared that my new boss/coworkers will not be accepting of my illnesses and won’t let me take time off if I need it. I’m hoping that this job works out better than my last. I really could use the money and I feel like if I have a job, I’ll start to feel more like a “normal” person. Who knows. It’s also late at night so I’m getting caught up in my thoughts. I should probably go to bed.
Goodnight beautiful people.
Hello Beautiful People.
My symptoms have not gone away, they have in fact gotten worse. A few days ago I was able to hold down some goldfish crackers or some soup. I am extremely distraught to announce that this is no longer the case. I haven’t been able to hold down any food including cheerios, goldfish or soup in 3 days. My entire days have been spent throwing up and feeling extremely weak. Leaving my house to even go to Petco is a pretty large endeavor. I get tired easily from walking around and being outside in this heat. I feel very defeated right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to stay strong through this, I really did…but I feel myself breaking. Today when I couldn’t hold down my soup, I looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I cried so much. I am beyond frustrated at this point. I am depressed and upset and just done with dealing with this. It’s incredibly hard and I am only 20 years old. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I do to ease the symptoms or whatever my doctors are doing to try and help, just doesn’t work. It’s like my own body hates me and is at war with me. This is the worst I’ve felt in a long time and would really appreciate and kind words anyone could give. I’m just really not doing well.
Hello Beautiful People!
So it looks like I’m not really getting better. My Gastroparesis has flared up the worst it has been in almost 5 years. I can’t have anything besides Gatorade, saltines, a small handful of Cheerios, half a banana and chicken broth. I’ve lost 18.6 pounds in 14 days. My doctors are very concerned about this flare up and so am I. I’m heading into a state of depression. I can’t eat, I can barely move around, I have trouble sleeping. Right now, to put it frankly, life sucks. I got up today to have a training session with my dog and my dog trainer, I was outside, not really doing much but instructing my dog, for about an hour and we decided to go on a 10 minute walk because my service pup in training can sometimes get nervous around cars and gardeners (obviously something we’re working on). I should not have gone on this walk. I over exerted myself.
Since that really short walk I have felt possibly the worst I have felt in about a week. I’ve been completely lethargic since then, to the point where my mom is literally going up and down the stairs to bring me things because even she knows I physically just can’t do it.
**NOTE: my mom is wonderful but she also has issues with her lungs so going up and down the stairs is not easy for her and she won’t go up and down the stairs a bunch of times willingly unless something is really wrong with me**
I feel like everything has been drained out of me. My strength, any sort of hydration I had, and my spirit at this point is kinda broken. I just hate being stuck inside all of the time. I hate feeling this way. I still have to keep a barf bucket next to my bed because I’m throwing up nightly and still sometimes during the day, even without eating anything. My doctors have decided to put me back on Ensure so that I get some type of nutrients into me. This is literally the diet that I was on in 9th grade when this whole thing started. It’s so frustrating that things got better for such a long time…and now I’m just going in reverse. I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I’m depressed and oh man am i hungry. This really sucks.
I’m hoping that within the next two/three weeks I’ll keep regaining strength and I’ve now learned that I absolutely cannot push myself, I don’t think I’m going to recover from today’s mishap until MAYBE late tomorrow night. BUT even though I am stuck in my bed and am feeling rather miserable I am trying to keep myself busy as best as I can by watching movies and coloring and even just playing games on my computer so I can try to focus on the positives that WILL come my way.
Gastroparesis may have knocked me down but that doesn’t mean I won’t get back up.