Hello Beautiful People!
If you did not know, May is mental health awareness month. In honor of this month I’m going to be posting several blog posts over the next two days about mental illness and mental illness related issues, along with resources that could help someone going through these issues.
TODAY’S TOPIC: Mental Illness and Drug Abuse
. Personally, this is not something that I have an issue with and have never experienced but, I do know people in my personal life who deal with this and maybe one of my readers struggles with this as well. Many people who struggle with mental illness also suffer from a substance abuse disorder, but often never seek treatment for their co-occurring disorder. I know several people personally, who have tried to “self medicate” or “deal with” their mental health related issues by turning to drug or alcohol abuse.This is a very dangerous road that they’re going down and they need help. Most people are embarrassed of getting help and I am here to tell you to never be embarrassed for helping yourself. You are doing something so amazing for yourself and there is no need to be embarrassed. Also a lot of people who do want help, don’t know where to find help or can’t find the correct resources. If you or someone you know is struggling with this issue and would like help I strongly suggest you check out: this awesome website. I spoke to one of the people who run DrugRehab.com and she could not have been more positive and her message was really awesome : “Our website provides individuals with information to help them to overcome their illnesses, put addiction into the past, and to reclaim their lives. ” This site and the people who run it are seriously awesome and if you are someone or knows someone who struggles with substance abuse because of mental illness PLEASE check out this website, it is absolutely worth it and these people are here to help!
Have a lovely day Beautiful People!
Hi Beautiful People!
CONTENT WARNING: EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE
This weekend was a little hard on me and I really do not know why. I spent most of the weekend feeling very unloved and like I was a burden to everyone I care about. I get these feelings a lot but it was just a lot this weekend. I did spend some time with my boyfriend and our friends but still I kept finding myself feeling as if something was wrong. That I was doing something wrong. In my last relationship I was told that I was worthless, that I was ugly and that I was damaged. I was told that no one would ever love me again and . if someone did decide to love me, they would soon learn not to. These words were constantly being repeated and yelled at me. It became something that I heard so often that I believed it. I still find it very hard to break from believing it. I’m constantly afraid that my boyfriend and even my friends will leave me simply because I’m not good enough. I am worthless. These thoughts become crippling and in turn I accidentally push people away. I get so in my head that I feel like everything I do or say is wrong and then constantly apologize for even the smallest of things, which can really annoy people, but when you’re so used to having to apologize for everything you do it becomes a habit. I lived two years of my life feeling like absolute shit constantly. Feeling worthless and not good enough. Being physically and emotionally abused by an awful person. This person drilled some things into my head that even 2 years later, I have a very hard time getting over. I still think I’m not good enough for anybody. I am constantly worried that my boyfriend will get bored with me or stop loving me. I am always worried that my friends are going to walk away from me because “I’m boring and ugly and don’t deserve anyone else’s affection”. These thoughts still hurt. They still seriously affect me. I can still hear his voice telling me everything that was wrong with me.
My boyfriend, who is very aware of this tried to get me out of my house and had me come over the past two days, it helped a little. I still felt that I wasn’t good enough for him and his friends. I felt that maybe he was getting bored with me when he wasn’t talking to me a lot. There was one point where he jokingly called me annoying because I was playing with his beard and I almost burst into tears. In my mind, I thought that he truly meant it and he would leave. These are the effects of a shitty abusive relationship. It’s a very hard thing to get past and I’m trying. I am in therapy and my boyfriend and family try to help as much as they can. It’s still really hard. It’s a very difficult thing to go through. Sometimes I don’t think I’m ever going to get past this but then someone (usually my boyfriend) will look me in the eye and tell me that I am good enough and I am worth it and that he loves me. That’s all I need. I need reassurance, just for now, that the things my abusive ex boyfriend drilled into my head are not true. Unfortunately this need for reassurance is constant BUT, I know I will get there. I know I will get better. I have a great support system and like I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, my new therapist is awesome. I can do this and if you are going through something similar: you can do this. We can do this together.
Hello Beautiful People!
This is going to be a pretty short post but I feel it’s necessary: I got to see two friends today and I’m feeling really good about it. I say my friend Michelle (also my puppy trainer but we’ve been close friends for years) during the day and we did some pup training with Disney! We had a lot of fun and I always love seeing her and hanging out with her. Then after therapy today I got to see my really good friend who I haven’t seen since she went to college. I was so so excited to see her. We had so much fun just talking and catching up and watching youtube videos. I always have so much fun with her and I really missed having her around. I’m so glad to have such nice and awesome people in my life. I’m also really proud of myself for trying to get over my social anxiety and texting my friend to ask her to hangout. I’m usually very afraid of rejection so I don’t reach out to people but I wanted to see her so I reached out to her and it worked out and we’re going to hangout again soon and I’m so happy about that. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have friends and people who really care about me. I’m really happy that I pushed past my anxiety.
Today I had (another) endoscopy. It’s been two weeks since my last one, but they wanted to do another biopsy and just have a second look at my intestines. I was nervous going into the procedure even though I’ve done it many times before. I really just don’t like hospitals or needles. However, with multiple chronic illnesses those are things you have to deal with very regularly. So I barely slept last night, like, AT ALL. I went in to the hospital around 9:30 and we went through the usual admitting stuff. We went through the magical long list of medications that I take on a regular basis, checked my vitals, and I signed off on what seemed like a thousand papers. While all of this is happening I’m extremely nervous, anxious and my stomach is in a whole lot of pain.
Finally the nurse came over to put my IV in place (reminder: I HATE NEEDLES), he was actually a very nice guy. I told him that I am very afraid and that I am the biggest baby he will probably ever meet. He told me that he believed in me and asked if I wanted “this really cool numbing spray” (his words not mine) to help numb the area so I didn’t feel the needle go in. The fact that he had offered to do this made me absolutely LOVE him. I had a nurse who was my regular ER nurse at a different hospital who always used the spray and she was the only person I’ve ever felt comfortable letting stick that stupid needle in my arm. Since I left that hospital, when i ask for the spray they never let me have it because “oh come on, that’s for kids you’ll be fine” and no, I am never fine. So I automatically liked this nurse. He was super patient with me and was actually really good at putting the IV in (the past few times I’ve had it they’ve had to re-put it in about 3 times). He gave me a fist bump when he was done and told me I did great. These are the kind of nurses every hospital needs. He made me feel so much better about the needle and honestly, I didn’t really feel it at all.
After that, the anesthesiologist came over and went over the procedure with me and what anesthesia he would be using. He was nice too, he told me that if I felt uncomfortable at any point while getting the meds he’d go slower so I didn’t feel it as much. Of course the second he starts putting it in my system, I made him slow down but hey, he said I could do that and he wasn’t mad at all. The team of nurses and doctors I had today were all super nice and made sure I was comfortable every step of the way and I really wish that every hospital trip could be like that. They even let my mom come in the OR until I fell asleep.
I woke up after it was over and they gave me cookies and a ginger ale for when I felt like eating/drinking. The nurse ( a new nurse now) talked with me about puppies and Disney world and kept telling me how good the cookies were that she brought me. I have to admit, they were amazing. My Gastro came over and filled my mom and I in on the situation that is my stomach. It turns out along with gastroparesis, I have chronic gastritis. Great, another thing for me to be worried about. This part really sucked. He said we won’t know anything from the biopsy for a few days. I was instructed not to do any physical activity today. The only thing I was allowed to do was get up to use the bathroom. I think the nurse could tell I was a little upset so when she wheeled me out to my car and helped me get in we talked some more about her dogs and my dogs and just happy things, and then I went home. The whole ordeal took about an hour and a half which isn’t too bad. I still feel really weird from the anesthesia, I feel like my body is jelly or like a noodle or something and I’m still pretty loopy. Hopefully I’ll feel a lot better when I wake up tomorrow. Goodnight my beautiful people! (this took me so long to write, and I’ve edited it about 5 times LOL)
TRIGGER WARNING/CONTENT WARNING: PTSD, ABUSE
So I went to my new trauma therapist today (yesterday? it’s 12 PM) and I actually really liked her. She was very young and really nice and something just clicked. The last trauma therapist I had refused to talk about the things that I went through that gave me PTSD. I think she was just uncomfortable with the subject matter. She was a very nice lady, don’t get me wrong, just not the best therapist for me. It is hard enough for me to talk about the things that I went through in my last relationship (all 3 types of abuse I’ll let you figure it out from there) that to have someone who would steer me away from the topics whenever I did feel comfortable just was not the right thing for me. I walked in today to this new lady and she was so welcoming and i just felt so comfortable with her that I immediately opened up about everything I went through and just tried to give her like a quick summary of it and she was really receptive and actually seemed to care a lot about what I went through. Of course today was only the first meeting, but I’m really hopeful. She also knew a lot about PNES and how to treat that which was amazing. Most psychologists and even psychiatrists in my area have never heard of it so it was really refreshing to have someone who knew A LOT about it and has even treated someone with it before. This is all very exciting to me so I apologize if I’m rambling.
The session went really well and because it was the first day it was basically her getting my background and asking me all the questions I’ve been asked a million times before and usually hate answering, but the thing is, I didn’t mind answering them this time. I feel like she actually is trying to help and cares about my well-being and I’ve never felt this secure about a therapist. We also talked about the people who are important to me and what roles they have in my life and she made sure to write down every name so she could make sure she will always be able to follow along with who I am talking about, which I thought was cool of her. At the end of the session I felt relieved, happy and just genuinely happy and excited to start working with her and start getting better. I think she can actually help me and that is the best feeling in the world. Things are finally looking up my beautiful people!
I am feeling so incredibly down. I am finding and focusing on every single flaw in myself that I can find. Negative things that people have said about me throughout the course of my life are playing, and replaying, constantly repeating in my head. I feel sad. I feel slightly broken. I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and saw some chub that I was a little upset about. In my head I do know that it isn’t a big deal but once I spotted that flaw I have not been able to stop finding new ones. This is absolutely a result of having anxiety and panic disorders. I usually do not struggle with body issues whatsoever but today I just really did not like what I saw. It’s been an incredibly rough night. All I want to do is hide and cry. This has not happened in the longest time and because of that, I forgot how hard nights like tonight are. I’m so upset and just want to be able to fall asleep and escape these thoughts for a little bit but of course, I can’t sleep. I’m trying everything I can. I’m talking to my boyfriend as well to try to calm down. I’ve kind of just sent myself into a spin, but I can’t help it. I am having A LOT of feelings right now. Very negative feelings that I can’t escape from. Such ugly thoughts are running through my mind. I feel pretty defeated by these thoughts. All I can think about are the bad things about me. I can only see the ugly right now. Tonight is awful, I need to escape these thoughts. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep soon. Maybe I can learn to not focus on the negative.
I feel like I am constantly stressed out and half of the time I’m not even sure exactly why. Is being chronically stressed a thing? I feel like I can’t ever do anything right, something is always wrong with me. I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m moody. It’s the most annoying thing in the world. Lately I’ve been feeling more affected by it than usual. I feel like everything and everyone that I love is slipping away from me, and that doesn’t even make sense. It isn’t like I’ve lost anyone or that I am fighting with anyone, I just feel like my moods and my constant issues are pushing everyone away. This makes me incredibly sad. This also just my perspective, my moods really could be having no effect on my loved ones or I may not be as moody as I think I am. All of this could literally be happening in my mind and that is so frustrating. I never know if my mind is running away from me and creating scenarios or if it’s actually happening. That’s probably the worst part of it. I’m just having so many feelings that I can’t really identify or figure out. I’m not even sure where they’re coming from or why. Maybe it’s because I’ve had an extremely stressful past few weeks? I guess we’ll wait and see.