Hello beautiful people!
Sorry for the disappearance. If you’ve read my last few posts you know I have not been doing well at all and I kind of took a break from just about everything. I really just was not up to anything, including writing. I’m starting to feel a little bit better on a daily basis where I can now get out of my house for a few hours each day and hopefully start to function like I was before the flare up.
Today I had a really good day. My mom took me to see Waitress on Broadway which I’ve been wanting to see FOREVER. We did a lot of walking around and exploring the city and going shopping and just having fun. It was just overall a great day. I had so much fun and loved having some bonding time with my mom. I think that while I was out and about and having so much fun I just kind of…overdid it. This happens a lot when I have good days because I want to do so much when I feel well enough to do anything. I am currently suffering the consequences. All of the walking around and not really resting or taking breaks really took a toll on my body. I am now throwing up and dizzy and in so much pain. I feel miserable but I had an amazing day and to me that’s almost worth it. I wouldn’t trade the day I had for the world it is just unfortunate that these are the consequences I have to face because of my illnesses. It isn’t fair, other people get to do these things all the time and not feel any consequence whatsoever, but life isn’t fair. I was dealt the short end of the stick. I’ll be okay, I’m just frustrated. At least tonight I get to rest and don’t have anything to do tomorrow.
Friday I start a new job and I am extremely nervous. I am scared that my new boss/coworkers will not be accepting of my illnesses and won’t let me take time off if I need it. I’m hoping that this job works out better than my last. I really could use the money and I feel like if I have a job, I’ll start to feel more like a “normal” person. Who knows. It’s also late at night so I’m getting caught up in my thoughts. I should probably go to bed.
Goodnight beautiful people.
Hello Beautiful People!
Today I am feeling a whole lot of love. As you guys know, I’ve been really sick. I still can’t eat anything and feel pretty down and have no energy most of the time. I can’t hold any actual food down and it’s getting so frustrating for me. I’ve been SO upset recently BUT I have some pretty amazing people in my life who pulled off a really awesome thing today:
I have a best friend who lives about an hour/ hour and a half away from me, which absolutely sucks. I never get to see her but we constantly text. She knows how upset I’ve been from being so sick so she decided to come up with a plan to cheer me up. She texted my boyfriend on monday and asked him if he thought she would be able to come to my house and surprise me and if he thought it was a good idea. Obviously he knew I would love that so he gave her my mom’s phone number and they worked on this plan for like 3 days. I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE. I came home from therapy today and was just hanging out in my room watching YouTube and I get a text from my friend and she says “go open your front door” and I was like “why would she tell me do that nothings gonna be out there she’s messing with me” and THERE SHE WAS. She was right at my front door with two bottles of Gatorade and some goldfish crackers (which are the only things I can hold down). I CRIED. She told me that she knew I was feeling so bad so we were gonna spend the day hanging out and watching a Disney movie marathon. This was the absolute BEST surprise/pick me up I could ever ask for. I have some really amazing people in my life and I’m so grateful for it. I feel so much love right now, even though I’m still sick I feel like I’m on top of the world.
Hello Beautiful People!
So it looks like I’m not really getting better. My Gastroparesis has flared up the worst it has been in almost 5 years. I can’t have anything besides Gatorade, saltines, a small handful of Cheerios, half a banana and chicken broth. I’ve lost 18.6 pounds in 14 days. My doctors are very concerned about this flare up and so am I. I’m heading into a state of depression. I can’t eat, I can barely move around, I have trouble sleeping. Right now, to put it frankly, life sucks. I got up today to have a training session with my dog and my dog trainer, I was outside, not really doing much but instructing my dog, for about an hour and we decided to go on a 10 minute walk because my service pup in training can sometimes get nervous around cars and gardeners (obviously something we’re working on). I should not have gone on this walk. I over exerted myself.
Since that really short walk I have felt possibly the worst I have felt in about a week. I’ve been completely lethargic since then, to the point where my mom is literally going up and down the stairs to bring me things because even she knows I physically just can’t do it.
**NOTE: my mom is wonderful but she also has issues with her lungs so going up and down the stairs is not easy for her and she won’t go up and down the stairs a bunch of times willingly unless something is really wrong with me**
I feel like everything has been drained out of me. My strength, any sort of hydration I had, and my spirit at this point is kinda broken. I just hate being stuck inside all of the time. I hate feeling this way. I still have to keep a barf bucket next to my bed because I’m throwing up nightly and still sometimes during the day, even without eating anything. My doctors have decided to put me back on Ensure so that I get some type of nutrients into me. This is literally the diet that I was on in 9th grade when this whole thing started. It’s so frustrating that things got better for such a long time…and now I’m just going in reverse. I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I’m depressed and oh man am i hungry. This really sucks.
I’m hoping that within the next two/three weeks I’ll keep regaining strength and I’ve now learned that I absolutely cannot push myself, I don’t think I’m going to recover from today’s mishap until MAYBE late tomorrow night. BUT even though I am stuck in my bed and am feeling rather miserable I am trying to keep myself busy as best as I can by watching movies and coloring and even just playing games on my computer so I can try to focus on the positives that WILL come my way.
Gastroparesis may have knocked me down but that doesn’t mean I won’t get back up.
Hello Beautiful People!
If you did not know, May is mental health awareness month. In honor of this month I’m going to be posting several blog posts over the next two days about mental illness and mental illness related issues, along with resources that could help someone going through these issues.
TODAY’S TOPIC: Mental Illness and Drug Abuse
. Personally, this is not something that I have an issue with and have never experienced but, I do know people in my personal life who deal with this and maybe one of my readers struggles with this as well. Many people who struggle with mental illness also suffer from a substance abuse disorder, but often never seek treatment for their co-occurring disorder. I know several people personally, who have tried to “self medicate” or “deal with” their mental health related issues by turning to drug or alcohol abuse.This is a very dangerous road that they’re going down and they need help. Most people are embarrassed of getting help and I am here to tell you to never be embarrassed for helping yourself. You are doing something so amazing for yourself and there is no need to be embarrassed. Also a lot of people who do want help, don’t know where to find help or can’t find the correct resources. If you or someone you know is struggling with this issue and would like help I strongly suggest you check out: this awesome website. I spoke to one of the people who run DrugRehab.com and she could not have been more positive and her message was really awesome : “Our website provides individuals with information to help them to overcome their illnesses, put addiction into the past, and to reclaim their lives. ” This site and the people who run it are seriously awesome and if you are someone or knows someone who struggles with substance abuse because of mental illness PLEASE check out this website, it is absolutely worth it and these people are here to help!
Have a lovely day Beautiful People!
Hi Beautiful People!
CONTENT WARNING: EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE
This weekend was a little hard on me and I really do not know why. I spent most of the weekend feeling very unloved and like I was a burden to everyone I care about. I get these feelings a lot but it was just a lot this weekend. I did spend some time with my boyfriend and our friends but still I kept finding myself feeling as if something was wrong. That I was doing something wrong. In my last relationship I was told that I was worthless, that I was ugly and that I was damaged. I was told that no one would ever love me again and . if someone did decide to love me, they would soon learn not to. These words were constantly being repeated and yelled at me. It became something that I heard so often that I believed it. I still find it very hard to break from believing it. I’m constantly afraid that my boyfriend and even my friends will leave me simply because I’m not good enough. I am worthless. These thoughts become crippling and in turn I accidentally push people away. I get so in my head that I feel like everything I do or say is wrong and then constantly apologize for even the smallest of things, which can really annoy people, but when you’re so used to having to apologize for everything you do it becomes a habit. I lived two years of my life feeling like absolute shit constantly. Feeling worthless and not good enough. Being physically and emotionally abused by an awful person. This person drilled some things into my head that even 2 years later, I have a very hard time getting over. I still think I’m not good enough for anybody. I am constantly worried that my boyfriend will get bored with me or stop loving me. I am always worried that my friends are going to walk away from me because “I’m boring and ugly and don’t deserve anyone else’s affection”. These thoughts still hurt. They still seriously affect me. I can still hear his voice telling me everything that was wrong with me.
My boyfriend, who is very aware of this tried to get me out of my house and had me come over the past two days, it helped a little. I still felt that I wasn’t good enough for him and his friends. I felt that maybe he was getting bored with me when he wasn’t talking to me a lot. There was one point where he jokingly called me annoying because I was playing with his beard and I almost burst into tears. In my mind, I thought that he truly meant it and he would leave. These are the effects of a shitty abusive relationship. It’s a very hard thing to get past and I’m trying. I am in therapy and my boyfriend and family try to help as much as they can. It’s still really hard. It’s a very difficult thing to go through. Sometimes I don’t think I’m ever going to get past this but then someone (usually my boyfriend) will look me in the eye and tell me that I am good enough and I am worth it and that he loves me. That’s all I need. I need reassurance, just for now, that the things my abusive ex boyfriend drilled into my head are not true. Unfortunately this need for reassurance is constant BUT, I know I will get there. I know I will get better. I have a great support system and like I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, my new therapist is awesome. I can do this and if you are going through something similar: you can do this. We can do this together.