Bad day · chronic illness · depression · gastroparesis · Gastroparesis Diet · stomach problems

Feeling Helpless

Hello Beautiful People.

My symptoms have not gone away, they have in fact gotten worse. A few days ago I was able to hold down some goldfish crackers or some soup. I am extremely distraught to announce that this is no longer the case. I haven’t been able to hold down any food including cheerios, goldfish or soup in 3 days. My entire days have been spent throwing up and feeling extremely weak. Leaving my house to even go to Petco is a pretty large endeavor. I get tired easily from walking around and being outside in this heat. I feel very defeated right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to stay strong through this, I really did…but I feel myself breaking. Today when I couldn’t hold down my soup, I looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I cried so much. I am beyond frustrated at this point. I am depressed and upset and just done with dealing with this. It’s incredibly hard and I am only 20 years old. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I do to ease the symptoms or whatever my doctors are doing to try and help, just doesn’t work. It’s like my own body hates me and is at war with me. This is the worst I’ve felt in a long time and would really appreciate and kind words anyone could give. I’m just really not doing well.

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Bad day · chronic illness · depression · gastroparesis · Gastroparesis Diet · hope · stomach problems · tough night

Going in Reverse

Hello Beautiful People!

So it looks like I’m not really getting better. My Gastroparesis has flared up the worst it has been in almost 5 years. I can’t have anything besides Gatorade, saltines, a small handful of Cheerios, half a banana and chicken broth. I’ve lost 18.6 pounds in 14 days. My doctors are very concerned about this flare up and so am I. I’m heading into a state of depression. I can’t eat, I can barely move around, I have trouble sleeping. Right now, to put it frankly, life sucks. I got up today to have a training session with my dog and my dog trainer, I was outside, not really doing much but instructing my dog, for about an hour and we decided to go on a 10 minute walk because my service pup in training can sometimes get nervous around cars and gardeners (obviously something we’re working on). I should not have gone on this walk. I over exerted myself.

Since that really short walk I have felt possibly the¬†worst¬†I have felt in about a week. I’ve been completely lethargic since then, to the point where my mom is literally going up and down the stairs to bring me things because even she knows I physically just can’t do it.

**NOTE: my mom is wonderful but she also has issues with her lungs so going up and down the stairs is not easy for her and she won’t go up and down the stairs a bunch of times willingly unless something is really wrong with me**

I feel like everything has been drained out of me. My strength, any sort of hydration I had, and my spirit at this point is kinda broken. I just hate being stuck inside all of the time. I hate feeling this way. I still have to keep a barf bucket next to my bed because I’m throwing up nightly and still sometimes during the day, even without eating anything. My doctors have decided to put me back on Ensure so that I get some type of nutrients into me. This is literally the diet that I was on in 9th grade when this whole thing started. It’s so frustrating that things got better for such a long time…and now I’m just going in reverse. I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I’m depressed and oh man am i hungry. This really sucks.

 

I’m hoping that within the next two/three weeks I’ll keep regaining strength and I’ve now learned that I absolutely cannot push myself, I don’t think I’m going to recover from today’s mishap until MAYBE late tomorrow night. BUT even though I am stuck in my bed and am feeling rather miserable I am trying to keep myself busy as best as I can by watching movies and coloring and even just playing games on my computer so I can try to focus on the positives that WILL come my way.

Gastroparesis may have knocked me down but that doesn’t mean I won’t get back up.