Bad day · chronic illness · depression · gastroparesis · Gastroparesis Diet · stomach problems

Feeling Helpless

Hello Beautiful People.

My symptoms have not gone away, they have in fact gotten worse. A few days ago I was able to hold down some goldfish crackers or some soup. I am extremely distraught to announce that this is no longer the case. I haven’t been able to hold down any food including cheerios, goldfish or soup in 3 days. My entire days have been spent throwing up and feeling extremely weak. Leaving my house to even go to Petco is a pretty large endeavor. I get tired easily from walking around and being outside in this heat. I feel very defeated right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to stay strong through this, I really did…but I feel myself breaking. Today when I couldn’t hold down my soup, I looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I cried so much. I am beyond frustrated at this point. I am depressed and upset and just done with dealing with this. It’s incredibly hard and I am only 20 years old. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I do to ease the symptoms or whatever my doctors are doing to try and help, just doesn’t work. It’s like my own body hates me and is at war with me. This is the worst I’ve felt in a long time and would really appreciate and kind words anyone could give. I’m just really not doing well.

Advertisements
Bad day · chronic illness · depression · gastroparesis · Gastroparesis Diet · hope · stomach problems · tough night

Going in Reverse

Hello Beautiful People!

So it looks like I’m not really getting better. My Gastroparesis has flared up the worst it has been in almost 5 years. I can’t have anything besides Gatorade, saltines, a small handful of Cheerios, half a banana and chicken broth. I’ve lost 18.6 pounds in 14 days. My doctors are very concerned about this flare up and so am I. I’m heading into a state of depression. I can’t eat, I can barely move around, I have trouble sleeping. Right now, to put it frankly, life sucks. I got up today to have a training session with my dog and my dog trainer, I was outside, not really doing much but instructing my dog, for about an hour and we decided to go on a 10 minute walk because my service pup in training can sometimes get nervous around cars and gardeners (obviously something we’re working on). I should not have gone on this walk. I over exerted myself.

Since that really short walk I have felt possibly the worst I have felt in about a week. I’ve been completely lethargic since then, to the point where my mom is literally going up and down the stairs to bring me things because even she knows I physically just can’t do it.

**NOTE: my mom is wonderful but she also has issues with her lungs so going up and down the stairs is not easy for her and she won’t go up and down the stairs a bunch of times willingly unless something is really wrong with me**

I feel like everything has been drained out of me. My strength, any sort of hydration I had, and my spirit at this point is kinda broken. I just hate being stuck inside all of the time. I hate feeling this way. I still have to keep a barf bucket next to my bed because I’m throwing up nightly and still sometimes during the day, even without eating anything. My doctors have decided to put me back on Ensure so that I get some type of nutrients into me. This is literally the diet that I was on in 9th grade when this whole thing started. It’s so frustrating that things got better for such a long time…and now I’m just going in reverse. I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I’m depressed and oh man am i hungry. This really sucks.

 

I’m hoping that within the next two/three weeks I’ll keep regaining strength and I’ve now learned that I absolutely cannot push myself, I don’t think I’m going to recover from today’s mishap until MAYBE late tomorrow night. BUT even though I am stuck in my bed and am feeling rather miserable I am trying to keep myself busy as best as I can by watching movies and coloring and even just playing games on my computer so I can try to focus on the positives that WILL come my way.

Gastroparesis may have knocked me down but that doesn’t mean I won’t get back up.

Bad day · chronic illness · gastroparesis

Gastroparesis Flare Up: Update

Hello Beautiful People!

This is an update on my post Gastropareis Flare Up from a few days ago. It has now been about 5 days since these symptoms began and they have not gotten better at all. I still cannot hold anything down besides Gatorade and I think yesterday I was able to hold down half of a sliced up banana. I tried rice, soda crackers (saltines), pretzels…nothing worked. This is extremely frustrating and very painful. I cannot get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. Today being the 5th day of this, my mom and I went to urgent care after finding out that my gastro and my regular physician were away for the weekend and would not be back until monday. Urgent care obviously does not have any of my records so it’s a long process explaining all of my chronic illnesses and then trying to find out what is happening with my current symptoms. After explaining everything this doctor was very concerned because obviously I am losing a lot of fluid. If this doesn’t stop by tomorrow I will need to go to the ER to get IV fluids. She told my parents that I just need to stay in bed and not do anything because I just physically can’t afford to. It’s painful and we can’t really risk losing any more fluid. She also told me to get Pedialyte pops and chicken broth and see if that will down. Honestly, I just feel like absolute crap and want this to go away already. I’ve been stuck in my room for 5 days and can’t do anything. I’m in constant pain and just extremely uncomfortable. Gastroparesis and stomach viruses are an absolutely awful combination.

anxiety · anxiety disorder · Bad day · coping methods · emotional abuse · Flashbacks · hope · mental illness · physical abuse · PTSD · TRIGGER WARNINGS

Rough Weekend

Hi Beautiful People!

CONTENT WARNING: EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE

This weekend was a little hard on me and I really do not know why. I spent most of the weekend feeling very unloved and like I was a burden to everyone I care about. I get these feelings a lot but it was just a lot this weekend. I did spend some time with my boyfriend and our friends but still I kept finding myself feeling as if something was wrong. That I was doing something wrong. In my last relationship I was told that I was worthless, that I was ugly and that I was damaged. I was told that no one would ever love me again and . if someone did decide to love me, they would soon learn not to. These words were constantly being repeated and yelled at me. It became something that I heard so often that I believed it. I still find it very hard to break from believing it. I’m constantly afraid that my boyfriend and even my friends will leave me simply because I’m not good enough. I am worthless. These thoughts become crippling and in turn I accidentally push people away. I get so in my head that I feel like everything I do or say is wrong and then constantly apologize for even the smallest of things, which can really annoy people, but when you’re so used to having to apologize for everything you do it becomes a habit. I lived two years of my life feeling like absolute shit constantly. Feeling worthless and not good enough. Being physically and emotionally abused by an awful person. This person drilled some things into my head that even 2 years later, I have a very hard time getting over. I still think I’m not good enough for anybody. I am constantly worried that my boyfriend will get bored with me or stop loving me. I am always worried that my friends are going to walk away from me because “I’m boring and ugly and don’t deserve anyone else’s affection”. These thoughts still hurt. They still seriously affect me. I can still hear his voice telling me everything that was wrong with me.

My boyfriend, who is very aware of this tried to get me out of my house and had me come over the past two days, it helped a little. I still felt that I wasn’t good enough for him and his friends. I felt that maybe he was getting bored with me when he wasn’t talking to me a lot. There was one point where he jokingly called me annoying because I was playing with his beard and I almost burst into tears. In my mind, I thought that he truly meant it and he would leave. These are the effects of a shitty abusive relationship. It’s a very hard thing to get past and I’m trying. I am in therapy and my boyfriend and family try to help as much as they can. It’s still really hard. It’s a very difficult thing to go through. Sometimes I don’t think I’m ever going to get past this but then someone (usually my boyfriend) will look me in the eye and tell me that I am good enough and I am worth it and that he loves me. That’s all I need. I need reassurance, just for now, that the things my abusive ex boyfriend drilled into my head are not true. Unfortunately this need for reassurance is constant BUT, I know I will get there. I know I will get better. I have a great support system and like I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, my new therapist is awesome. I can do this and if you are going through something similar: you can do this. We can do this together.

Bad day · chronic illness · tough night

Feeling Down: Part 2

Hello Beautiful People!

I woke up and mentally, I am feeling a lot better than I was last night. A lot of those really scary negative thoughts have gone away. However, physically I am not doing well at well. I can barely move. I am in an immense amount of pain and it hurts to even shift my body in bed. I feel really weak.The itches have also come back full force and I’m covered in hives. My Gastroparesis is acting up and I feel like I am going to vomit everywhere. I can’t even look at food right now. Everything that could possibly be wrong with my body, is going wrong. The itches also cause horrible nerve pain and if I try to scratch my skin feels like a thousand needles are being forced into it. If I don’t scratch, my body feels as if it were on fire. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. All of my muscles are incredibly weak today and horribly sore. Every single muscle feels like I worked out for like 12 hours and focused specifically on that muscle. I don’t work out so no, that is not the case. Everything hurts and the rain is definitely not helping. I’m supposed to go to a new therapist tonight and I was hoping to have a decent day before I went. I guess I’m going to have to go in pain. This sucks. I wish advil or something would help, but I know it won’t. I am just going to have to deal with this. It is just one of those days.

anxiety · anxiety disorder · Bad day · mental illness · tough night

Feeling Down

I am feeling so incredibly down. I am finding and focusing on every single flaw in myself that I can find. Negative things that people have said about me throughout the course of my life are playing, and replaying, constantly repeating in my head. I feel sad. I feel slightly broken. I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and saw some chub that I was a little upset about. In my head I do know that it isn’t a big deal but once I spotted that flaw I have not been able to stop finding new ones. This is absolutely a result of having anxiety and panic disorders. I usually do not struggle with body issues whatsoever but today I just really did not like what I saw. It’s been an incredibly rough night. All I want to do is hide and cry. This has not happened in the longest time and because of that, I forgot how hard nights like tonight are.  I’m so upset and just want to be able to fall asleep and escape these thoughts for a little bit but of course, I can’t sleep. I’m trying everything I can. I’m talking to my boyfriend as well to try to calm down. I’ve kind of just sent myself into a spin, but I can’t help it. I am having A LOT of feelings right now. Very negative feelings that I can’t escape from. Such ugly thoughts are running through my mind. I feel pretty defeated by these thoughts. All I can think about are the bad things about me. I can only see the ugly right now. Tonight is awful, I need to escape these thoughts. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep soon.  Maybe I can learn to not focus on the negative.

anxiety · anxiety disorder · Bad day · chronic illness

The Itches

Today I’m having one of my stranger symptoms.Sometimes when I get really nervous or anxious, I get this horrible itching sensation. This sensation happens all over my body and will not stop, it also comes with some really ugly hives. Not only is it itchy, it is also very painful. It’s kind of like all of my nerve endings are deciding to act up at once. The only thing that has ever worked to stop this horrible feeling is taking a bath with essential oils to help calm my skin. Guess who ran out of bath supplies? Yup, you guessed it, me. So, it seems like I am going to have to suffer through this pain/itch all day and will not be able to stop it. On top of this horrible symptom I am also extremely nervous today, I also feel jittery and just completely on edge. Today is the worst kind of day, a day where I feel like absolute shit but can’t do anything about it. I hate today.