Bad day · chronic illness · depression · gastroparesis · Gastroparesis Diet · stomach problems

Feeling Helpless

Hello Beautiful People.

My symptoms have not gone away, they have in fact gotten worse. A few days ago I was able to hold down some goldfish crackers or some soup. I am extremely distraught to announce that this is no longer the case. I haven’t been able to hold down any food including cheerios, goldfish or soup in 3 days. My entire days have been spent throwing up and feeling extremely weak. Leaving my house to even go to Petco is a pretty large endeavor. I get tired easily from walking around and being outside in this heat. I feel very defeated right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to stay strong through this, I really did…but I feel myself breaking. Today when I couldn’t hold down my soup, I looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I cried so much. I am beyond frustrated at this point. I am depressed and upset and just done with dealing with this. It’s incredibly hard and I am only 20 years old. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I do to ease the symptoms or whatever my doctors are doing to try and help, just doesn’t work. It’s like my own body hates me and is at war with me. This is the worst I’ve felt in a long time and would really appreciate and kind words anyone could give. I’m just really not doing well.

chronic illness · gastroparesis · great day · hope

I Have Some Amazing People in my Life

Hello Beautiful People!

Today I am feeling a whole lot of love. As you guys know, I’ve been really sick. I still can’t eat anything and feel pretty down and have no energy most of the time. I can’t hold any actual food down and it’s getting so frustrating for me. I’ve been SO upset recently BUT I have some pretty amazing people in my life who pulled off a really awesome thing today:

I have a best friend who lives about an hour/ hour and a half away from me, which absolutely sucks. I never get to see her but we constantly text. She knows how upset I’ve been from being so sick so she decided to come up with a plan to cheer me up. She texted my boyfriend on monday and asked him if he thought she would be able to come to my house and surprise me and if he thought it was a good idea. Obviously he knew I would love that so he gave her my mom’s phone number and they worked on this plan for like 3 days. I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE. I came home from therapy today and was just hanging out in my room watching YouTube and I get a text from my friend and she says “go open your front door” and I was like “why would she tell me do that nothings gonna be out there she’s messing with me” and THERE SHE WAS. She was right at my front door with two bottles of Gatorade and some goldfish crackers (which are the only things I can hold down). I CRIED. She told me that she knew I was feeling so bad so we were gonna spend the day hanging out and watching a Disney movie marathon. This was the absolute BEST surprise/pick me up I could ever ask for. I have some really amazing people in my life and I’m so grateful for it. I feel so much love right now, even though I’m still sick I feel like I’m on top of the world.

Bad day · chronic illness · depression · gastroparesis · Gastroparesis Diet · hope · stomach problems · tough night

Going in Reverse

Hello Beautiful People!

So it looks like I’m not really getting better. My Gastroparesis has flared up the worst it has been in almost 5 years. I can’t have anything besides Gatorade, saltines, a small handful of Cheerios, half a banana and chicken broth. I’ve lost 18.6 pounds in 14 days. My doctors are very concerned about this flare up and so am I. I’m heading into a state of depression. I can’t eat, I can barely move around, I have trouble sleeping. Right now, to put it frankly, life sucks. I got up today to have a training session with my dog and my dog trainer, I was outside, not really doing much but instructing my dog, for about an hour and we decided to go on a 10 minute walk because my service pup in training can sometimes get nervous around cars and gardeners (obviously something we’re working on). I should not have gone on this walk. I over exerted myself.

Since that really short walk I have felt possibly the worst I have felt in about a week. I’ve been completely lethargic since then, to the point where my mom is literally going up and down the stairs to bring me things because even she knows I physically just can’t do it.

**NOTE: my mom is wonderful but she also has issues with her lungs so going up and down the stairs is not easy for her and she won’t go up and down the stairs a bunch of times willingly unless something is really wrong with me**

I feel like everything has been drained out of me. My strength, any sort of hydration I had, and my spirit at this point is kinda broken. I just hate being stuck inside all of the time. I hate feeling this way. I still have to keep a barf bucket next to my bed because I’m throwing up nightly and still sometimes during the day, even without eating anything. My doctors have decided to put me back on Ensure so that I get some type of nutrients into me. This is literally the diet that I was on in 9th grade when this whole thing started. It’s so frustrating that things got better for such a long time…and now I’m just going in reverse. I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I’m depressed and oh man am i hungry. This really sucks.

 

I’m hoping that within the next two/three weeks I’ll keep regaining strength and I’ve now learned that I absolutely cannot push myself, I don’t think I’m going to recover from today’s mishap until MAYBE late tomorrow night. BUT even though I am stuck in my bed and am feeling rather miserable I am trying to keep myself busy as best as I can by watching movies and coloring and even just playing games on my computer so I can try to focus on the positives that WILL come my way.

Gastroparesis may have knocked me down but that doesn’t mean I won’t get back up.

Uncategorized

Invisible Illness

Hello Beautiful People!

This week, my Gastroparesis flare up has gotten any better. I feel like poop and it takes so much energy to even get out of bed. Some people have been really nasty and I just want to bring this really important subject to light:

    Invisible Illnesses are very real

   The reason that I’m bringing this up is because a few people who I know have decided to discuss my illnesses amongst themselves. They have been saying that my illnesses are “fake” and that I say that I’m sick “for attention”. This is absolutely disgusting. I really wish those people could understand that just because someone does not look “sick” that it doesn’t mean they aren’t. Most of the time if/when I leave the house I’m feeling much better and make sure I look okay. I don’t want to look “sick”, I don’t think anybody wants to look “sick”. These illnesses are not something I would wish upon even my worst enemy. I wouldn’t want anyone else to spend every night throwing up and in pain. I wouldn’t want anyone to seize any time that they felt an overwhelming amount of emotion. Why would anyone make this kind of thing up? I just wish that they would have spent some time with me to see that these things are very real and very scary. Instead I just feel attacked by these people and am really uncomfortable even hearing their names. I feel sad and invalidated. Please understand that invisible illness is a very real thing that affects many people. Never invalidate someone’s illness because you don’t think they look “sick”.

chronic illness · gastroparesis

Still Sick

Hello Beautiful People!

I apologize for not posting much recently, but if you have read my past two posts you know that I haven’t been feeling well. I unfortunately, am still sick. At this point I can not tolerate any food and I threw up tea this morning. I am extremely frustrated and in an immense amount of pain. This morning I woke up and my brother made me some tea, i took maybe about 5 sips ( in 5 minute intervals) and all of a sudden felt extreme pain in my stomach and the nausea that I was already dealing with, worsened. I began to vomit. This vomiting episode lasted for 45 minutes straight. I could not hold down anything including water or Gatorade. Obviously at this point I needed to be rehydrated. As of right now I feel a little bit better, but not much. I still have to take one sip of gatorade every five minutes because I cannot tolerate more than that. I am also fighting off another infection that requires antibiotics. These antibiotics need to be taken with food, so this is a problem. I just held down about a quarter of a banana with extreme pain and nausea, but I really need to keep down this medication. I’m waiting for my Zofran to kick in and hopefully feel just a little bit better. I’ve fainted about 4 times today due to dehydration and just lack of any sort of nutrition. I really need to take a shower but can’t stand long enough to do so, therefore I think my mom will have to help me take a bath later on. This is not something I am happy about, all of my independence has been taken away from me the past week because of this illness. I have needed help with just about everything and that’s just so frustrating for me. I am so sick of being sick. This absolutely sucks but I am going to try to stay positive and hope that I will be better soon.

Bad day · chronic illness · gastroparesis

Gastroparesis Flare Up: Update

Hello Beautiful People!

This is an update on my post Gastropareis Flare Up from a few days ago. It has now been about 5 days since these symptoms began and they have not gotten better at all. I still cannot hold anything down besides Gatorade and I think yesterday I was able to hold down half of a sliced up banana. I tried rice, soda crackers (saltines), pretzels…nothing worked. This is extremely frustrating and very painful. I cannot get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. Today being the 5th day of this, my mom and I went to urgent care after finding out that my gastro and my regular physician were away for the weekend and would not be back until monday. Urgent care obviously does not have any of my records so it’s a long process explaining all of my chronic illnesses and then trying to find out what is happening with my current symptoms. After explaining everything this doctor was very concerned because obviously I am losing a lot of fluid. If this doesn’t stop by tomorrow I will need to go to the ER to get IV fluids. She told my parents that I just need to stay in bed and not do anything because I just physically can’t afford to. It’s painful and we can’t really risk losing any more fluid. She also told me to get Pedialyte pops and chicken broth and see if that will down. Honestly, I just feel like absolute crap and want this to go away already. I’ve been stuck in my room for 5 days and can’t do anything. I’m in constant pain and just extremely uncomfortable. Gastroparesis and stomach viruses are an absolutely awful combination.

coping methods · mental illness · therapy · hope · substance abuse

Mental Health Awareness Month: Mental Health Related Substance Abuse

Hello Beautiful People!

If you did not know, May is mental health awareness month. In honor of this month I’m going to be posting several blog posts over the next two days about mental illness and mental illness related issues, along with resources that could help someone going through these issues.

                       TODAY’S TOPIC: Mental Illness and Drug Abuse

.    Personally, this is not something that I have an issue with and have never experienced but, I do know people in my personal life who deal with this and maybe one of my readers struggles with this as well. Many people who struggle with mental illness also suffer from a substance abuse disorder, but often never seek treatment for their co-occurring disorder. I know several people personally, who have tried to “self medicate” or “deal with” their mental health related issues by turning to drug or alcohol abuse.This is a very dangerous road that they’re going down and they need help. Most people are embarrassed of getting help and I am here to tell you to never be embarrassed for helping yourself. You are doing something so amazing for yourself and there is no need to be embarrassed. Also a lot of people who do want help, don’t know where to find help or can’t find the correct resources. If you or someone you know is struggling with this issue and would like help I strongly suggest you check out: this awesome website. I spoke to one of the people who run DrugRehab.com and she could not have been more positive and her message was really awesome : “Our website provides individuals with information to help them to overcome their illnesses, put addiction into the past, and to reclaim their lives. ” This site and the people who run it are seriously awesome and if you are someone or knows someone who struggles with substance abuse because of mental illness PLEASE check out this website, it is absolutely worth it and these people are here to help!

Have a lovely day Beautiful People!