PTSD · TRIGGER WARNINGS

A Lot of Feelings

Hi Beautiful People!

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD, Emotional/Physical Abuse (mentioned briefly not gone into detail)

Today I’ve been having a lot of feelings. I saw my best friend for the first time in a really long time. I believe I have written a little bit on my last relationship before but I’ll recap: the relationship I was in before my boyfriend now, was extremely abusive in all ways possible, because of this relationship I cut off a lot of ties with my closest friend, my best friend was one of them. During the time that I was in that horrible relationship and a little bit afterwards I was ashamed and embarrassed about what I was going through,  any person that was close to me I kind of just pushed away. This guy (we’ll call him Bestie) had been my absolute best friend since the 7th grade so about 6 years, I know it hurt him that I pushed him away. We’ve been through a hell of a lot together. He used to be the person I went to for anything and everything and I was that for him. He was my rock for a very long time but I didn’t want him to know what I was going through. He has issues of his own and really struggles sometimes to the point where I’ve talked him out of suicide. I didn’t want this to be another burden on him. I couldn’t do it to him and I thought I was doing the right thing and I pushed him away.

We reconnected in March, a year and a half later, and I told him that the reason I pushed him away and just stopped talking to him was because I went through a lot. I apologized profusely and he forgave me and we reconciled but this hurt him, I could tell. I knew that he’d be hurt but I had to tell him the truth. I know he would’ve been there for me come hell or high water if I had only opened up to him about what was happening and what I was feeling, but I just didn’t think that was the right thing to do at the time. Do I regret this? Absolutely. I missed having him in my life. I told him that when he got home from school (he goes away to college) we’d have a talk about everything but it had to be in person. I don’t think I can have this conversation with anyone over the phone, it’s too serious. I know I’m going to have to tell him about the times I was hit. I know I’m going to have to tell him the awful things I was told, and the darkest parts of the relationship the pushed him away and to be honest, I’m a little scared. He’s home now and I ran into him today while getting ice cream with my brother. I wasn’t aware that he was home yet so it took me by surprise. We’ve been texting all day catching up as much as possible before having that really big conversation. I’m just kind of scared of how he will react. It’s not going to be fun but I know he will always be there for me and nothing I can say will ever change his opinion of me. I just have a lot of feelings right now.

I feel happy to have him back in my life. I feel scared to have this conversation. I feel sad because I’m thinking of the things I have to tell him about. I feel sad because I pushed away this wonderful person. Lastly, I feel hope that we can get our friendship back and everything will be okay but I’m still uncertain.

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