Hi beautiful people, before you read this post I just want you to know that some content could possibly be triggering for some people.
This is the first time I am writing about my PTSD. This is going to be a long post. So..um I was in a really abusive relationship from 2013-2015 (2 years) and because of the abuse I went through, I have flashbacks. I actually just had one less than five minutes ago. I’m struggling really hard to cope with them, and this one was extremely realistic. I’m not even sure what brought it on. I just got home from rehearsal, which I’m actually so happy I got to, and then the flashback started. I don’t know if any of you have PTSD or anything related or similar, but it was one of those flashbacks where you’re kind of watching it happen all over again and can’t do anything about it. It just replays over and over again in your head. I’m hoping maybe writing about it will help. (TW: VIOLENCE and ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS)
So this flashback consists of my door being thrown open and then there’s just a lot of screaming, a lot of this person blaming me for everything wrong in their life. I’m on the floor in a corner, and he;s screaming at me and he grabs me, really tightly around my arm and then goes to hit me and I kind of “woke up” (I’m not sure if that’s the right word for it but I truly don’t know what to call it) right before the actual hit.
I don’t know how to make it stop. PTSD is a pretty new diagnosis for me and I’m still struggling with coping methods. Right now I’m in my room, trying to hold it together, trying not to cry and praying that this flashback doesn’t return. I know that I am out of the situation now, and that it was years ago and that my current boyfriend is absolutely amazing and would NEVER in a million years hurt me like that. It’s just that these flashbacks bring up even more bad memories and now I am sitting here just really deep into thought and trying not to let myself remember. I am trying to cope and I’m not sure how. I didn’t have the best day in the first place, and now..this is just the absolute worst.