Today has been one of my worst days in a long time. I was woken up at 2:00 AM with horrible stomach pain and nausea. At around 2:15, the vomiting started. I’ll spare you most of the details because I know no one wants to hear about that. Let’s just say I spent over a half an hour bent over the toilet in crippling pain with non-stop vomiting and we can leave it at that. Of course after the nausea subsided, I began to seize. I tried to call for my parents but this was very difficult. I fell backwards (kind of in between the toilet and my bathroom) and just laid on the floor seizing, if my timing is correct it lasted about 3 minutes, which is the longest seizure I’ve had in a few months. Finally I was able to get to my phone and dial my mom who came running into the bathroom. I couldn’t move my legs or arms so she had to get my brother, and they both carried me into my bedroom. After this point I don’t remember too much of this morning. I remember being scared and crying. I remember the pain, I know I eventually fell asleep around 4, but that’s it.
Of course the bad day doesn’t stop there. I awoke around 12 PM and still wasn’t able to move or feel my legs. That part wasn’t too surprising considering the adventure that was 2-4 AM, The scariest part was that I woke up completely blind. I couldn’t see anything, just complete and total darkness. I know this seems kind of impossible for someone to go temporarily, completely blind, but it’s 100% possible. I promise. It’s one of the scariest effects of my PNES. The blindness lasted until around 4:30 PM. That’s 4 and a half hours of seeing nothing but blackness and not being able to move your legs. Sounds scary, right? It is. It is absolutely terrifying. The worst feeling in the world is not being able to control your own body and then having senses that you normally have taken away from you, even if it is only temporary. There is always a voice in the back of your head asking if this time this will be permanent.
So, now it’s 7:25 PM and I still can’t move my legs but hey, at least I can see. I was supposed to be at rehearsal for my college show but I guess I have to miss it tonight. I also missed work this morning, and I really wanted to go. I love the days when I get to go out and actually do things and function like a typical human being, but today is just not one of those days. It really, really sucks. Today I just feel like crying and I feel hopeless. I know I have to think positive but sometimes it’s just really hard. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully a better one. I just have to remind myself that everything is going to be okay.